If you are more than six days old, you have in your lifetime, received mail with the word IMPORTANT emblazoned in bold letters on the front of the envelope. You have received this mail on a regular basis, sometimes two or three a day. With age and acquired wisdom, you have learned that mail with the word IMPORTANT on the front is not at all important and can be thrown in the trash without fear of retribution… unless it also says TAX INFORMATION. You might want to hold on to that one.
Mass mailers will stoop to anything to get your attention; official looking envelopes, a cursive font appearing to be hand written and personal, and of course wild promises of free gifts, special deals, and one-of-a-kind offers. However, I recently received a correspondence that I would like to nominate for the title of The Perfect Junk Mail.
It lost a few point for omitting the official brown envelope but consider these little gems to grab you:
2ND ATTEMPT! How did that first attempt get by me? Damn.
IMMEDIATE ACTION REQUESTED: Snail mail being the way to go anytime immediate action is requested.
TIME SENSITIVE MATEIAL: Have these people never heard of email, tweets, Facebook, or (shudder) telephones? Time sensitive?
TO BE OPENED BY ADDRESSEE ONLY: To my knowledge junk mail opened by unauthorized recipients has never been a problem for me, but you never know.
EXTREMELY URGENT AND TIME SENSITIVE: This in case you missed it on the first pass.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If we haven’t figured out the importance of this document by now, we never will, so why bother telling us again?
PRIVATE: Of course.
And my favorite:
WARNING: $2000 FINE, 5 YEARS IMPRISONMENT , OR BOTH FOR ANY PERSON INTERFERING OR OBSTRUCTING WITH DELIVERY OF THIS LETTER.
Snatch a piece of junk mail and go to jail, and be fined, or both? Sweet Baby Jesus! You’d get less time for selling crack cocaine.
And what was this urgent, time sensitive, action required notice about you ask? A third party offer to extend warranty coverage on a recent purchase. What else?