Sleep Disorder Solution: Revised

Deeply distressed over the lack of monetary appreciation for my solution on how to get back to sleep at 2:00 a.m. outlined in a previous blog, I’m forgiving you of that oversight and continue to share my bullshit wisdom and experience in such matters.

To briefly review, the idea was to take stock of your body parts, relaxing each in turn, until all was comfy and you were reasonably sure there were no monsters under the bed. From there, you took slow measured breaths (through the nose) concentrating on each inhale and exhale, feeling the passage of air, in and out, in and out, relaxing the mind until the Sand Man returns and you drift back into a deep blissful sleep.

Full disclosure. It didn’t always work. I stumbled onto the solution late one night after yet another cat incident (hairball) and could not for the life of me, get back to dreamland. I practiced controlled breathing until my nose hairs quivered in pain, but sleep would not come. Then it hit me.

Introducing the new and exciting


It’s pretty simple really. All you have to do is pretend your nose is a little vacuum cleaner. Oh, go ahead and laugh, but it really, really works. What you do is visualize the digit one, several of them (kind of like cat hairs on the carpet), huddled in the vicinity of your upper lip. On the inhale and with your mind’s eye, watch those little numbers being sucked up the nasal canals. Don’t worry. It won’t hurt and most of them will disappear. Sure, some of them might drift back out on the exhale, ignore them. Move on to digit two. Repeat. Big breath. There they go, in, in, in… exhale. On to the threes.

Oh, I can hear you now. “What about double digits, tens, elevens, seventeens? What about that?”

Here’s the good news my friend, most of the time you won’t’ have to deal with it as you will be fast asleep  long before you get that far. Tests have shown that sleep is achieved, on the average, between the sevens and nines mark. On the rare occasions when you go beyond nine, continue to think of them as singular digits, i.e. ones and twos, ones and sevens, mixed together like peas and carrots in the stew. Using a whole twelve or seventeen is counterproductive and just does not work.

Once again, please show your appreciation for this tip in the form of a Christmas card wrapped over a twenty-dollar bill, or more if the spirit moves you.

Sweet dreams.

Ho, ho, ho.



Published in: on December 16, 2015 at 11:38 am  Leave a Comment  

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